Men are from Mars and other myths that keep mothers depressed, depleted and burnt out.

FatherhoodEducationMotherhood
Written By Jasmine Meek

A brief examination of how biology is used as a scapegoat for cultural, social, and patriarchal influences on motherhood.

I’m sure you’ve heard the comments—from a male spouse, coworker, maybe a woman you know, or even *cringe* yourself! Go on, hands up if (like me!) you’ve referred to sex differences to explain away differences in human behaviour.

“I just don’t see what you see. I’m not wired that way,”

“Women are better at multitasking and men have tunnel vision,”

“Women have that maternal instinct.”

We’re all guilty. The idea of biological sex differences influencing behaviour is quite a palatable explanation for so many of life’s enraging inequalities and injustices. The idea that the men in our lives are neurologically wired differently to us, making them less capable of ‘women’s work’ is an easier pill to swallow than some of the alternatives….like, they just don’t want to.

But don’t despair. The men in your life are not stubborn toddlers stomping their giant man-feet grumbling, “I don’t wanna!” …(well, not all of them). It’s more complicated and deeply rooted, not in sex or gender, but in culture, socialisation, patriarchy, and capitalism. Phew, that’s a lot of words. But that’s the thing about complex issues; if we don’t take the broader context into account, then we miss the opportunity for solutions.

Let’s get one thing straight—it’s 2024 and the science is in: men are not, in fact, from Mars, but right here on Earth, made from the same Earthly DNA as us. It’s time to move away from biologically deterministic views towards a more equitable and flexible perspective on gender roles and parenthood.

Maternal Instinct: A Myth That Holds Us Back

Have you heard that women have a natural ‘maternal instinct’? It’s a widely held belief that seems true. But let’s set the record straight—caring for children isn’t some magical, inborn skill. It’s learned. And guess what? Men can learn it too. What society mistakenly refers to as instinct, is almost always intuition.

The problem is, when we lean on the myth of maternal instinct, we’re reinforcing outdated gender roles that keep women in intensive parenting traps, and in the primary caregiving position, whether they want to be there or not. This myth perpetuates the idea that men are less capable of these tasks, which disempowers fathers, lets them off the hook, and places an unfair burden on women.

So why do women often feel like they’re more in tune with their babies’ needs than their male spouses? The simple answer: time spent + trial and error (aka learning). And why do we spend more time learning with our babies? Aside from the obvious exception of breastfeeding, mothers default to the primary carer position because society dictates it in every way—lack of paternity leave and financial burden placed on fathers, nuclear family set-ups and geographical isolation, and perpetuated ‘good mother’ stereotypes.

Women can multitask and men can’t, men are meant to be out hunting lions…or something.

You know that feeling when you’re lying in bed, mentally running through tomorrow’s schedule—remembering the baby’s outgrown their onesies, and wondering if anyone fed the dog? That’s the mental load—the sometimes invisible work of managing a household and family.

But why is this such a gendered issue? Because it’s overwhelmingly women (especially mothers) in heterosexual partnerships who report feeling burdened by the mental load of motherhood, sometimes referred to as the ‘motherload.’ When this mental load is unrecognised and unshared, it can lead to burnout, depletion, and resentment.

Here’s the thing: the mental load doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It’s the byproduct of the endless tasks required to keep the household running smoothly. And why do these tasks fall so heavily on mothers’ shoulders? Not because women have some special multitasking gene, but because we’ve been conditioned to carry it.

First, women were conditioned to assume we’re the natural caregivers, and then our society covertly placed all household labour under the umbrella of ‘caregiving’. And sure, household labour has been viewed as ‘women’s work’ for donkey’s years but never before has this much labour fallen on women all at once. It’s not just cooking and cleaning any more; women have become by default the household cook, cleaner, driver, finance officer, educator, client liaison officer, social convenor, and home nurse…all whilst caring for children.

So what’s the solution?

  1. Open up the conversation;

  2. Acknowledge the role context (culture, socialisation, patriarchy, and capitalism) plays; and

  3. Avoid reflexive comments like, “men just don’t see the mess”. Because there is absolutely no scientific evidence that women are better at multitasking or housework than men.

Female biology allows us to become pregnant, grow a baby, birth a baby, and breastfeed a baby. And there may well be hormonally influenced behavioural changes between mothers and fathers during the early postpartum period. But that is where it ends; every other aspect of parenthood, from emotional nurturing to practical tasks, is learned.

We should be able to honour how truly magnificent we are as a collective—women are capable of so much, and we do it exceptionally well—while also acknowledging that men can perform all of these roles and tasks too. They just have to learn, like we have.

Mothers are capable of so much, and we do it exceptionally well. But men can perform all these roles and tasks too—they just have to learn, like we have.

When it comes to ‘Nature Vs Nurture’ in gender roles, nurture wins.

I’ve done it. I’ve repeated pseudo-scientific findings like, “Women have more words to use in a day than men so that’s why men don’t want to talk in the evening,” and I’ve made sweeping statements to justify frustrating gender differences, like, “I suppose men have to be more single-focused because they are meant to be out hunting or defending the village”

But I’m choosing to stop. Reducing complex issues down to biology oversimplifies the human experience and makes a changeable problem seem unchangeable. Of course we see gender differences in behaviour, because “a gendered world will produce a gendered brain” (Gina Rippon, The Gendered Brain). But by acknowledging the cultural, social, and economic factors at play, we can begin to move towards a world where our roles and capacity to parent are not dictated by outdated norms and myths, but by individual choice.

Mothers don’t have superpowers. We aren’t innately more capable of caregiving than men. And this uneven distribution of care tasks and being constrained to gendered roles is contributing to serious postpartum challenges.

If you’re ready to share the load and create a motherhood experience that feels right for you, I’m here to help. I offer personalised care that supports you through these challenges. Contact me to learn how I can help you find balance, support, and peace in your motherhood journey.

Jasmine Meek
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